Abigail Denton

Welcome to the Refresh Podcast! This podcast is a place for us to discover freedom and identity in Christ and to engage in our unique role in the Kingdom work God has called us to. Today we’re going to talk about authenticity and privacy and how we can have both. As always we’ll work through our topic and then close with a little coaching. I want you to know this podcast is real and raw and I want you to walk away feeling hope and light. Let’s go!

This week on social media I shared a reel documenting our family’s trip to the Christmas Tree farm. We go back and forth between getting a real tree one or two years and then we’ll put up our fake tree, faux tree if you will. We historically don’t do well getting a real tree.

Side note, I say this a lot, but I’m going to say it again: if your family can’t do the things that you see other people doing and feel like average families do, that’s ok. It’s ok that your family can’t handle it. Maybe your kiddos just can’t do it or maybe tree farms aren’t accessible for you or maybe it’s just too painful because it’s not what it used to be or your family is missing someone. That’s all ok and if you are struggling with that I want you to hear me say me too. I wish we could go out for coffee and share our struggles and memories and cry together and then pray and give it all to God. This podcast is going to have to do for now, but you aren’t alone. Your family isn’t bad, different isn’t wrong. You are loved and God sees you and I see you.

Back to the topic of authenticity. I guess it ties in, but I was making that reel and enjoying looking at all the videos we took. My kids are old enough so we passed my phone around and everyone took a few videos. I love reels because they make me feel nostalgic and like my life is a movie. They are fun and a creative outlet for me and I enjoy making them. As I was writing the caption though I started to struggle and was trying to figure out what to share.

I never want people to see my social media content and think it must be nice, or I could never…I always want to be real and authentic and so I go back and forth and erase and try again over and over. I don’t talk about it publicly a lot but our family isn’t average. We have special needs in our family and there’s quite a bit of that that we want to keep private. We want our child to be able to choose which parts of her story she wants to share. And there is stigma around special needs and mental health. We haven’t always been met with compassion when we’ve shared or opened up a little.

I’ve had different seasons where I didn’t feel a lot of connection with a local community. We’ve moved a lot and starting over takes time. I’m also married to the pastor and building community when you’re husband is a pastor is tricky at times. In these seasons, social media for me has been my connection with community. It was a much needed outlet to connect with other moms or other ministry wives or even family that lives far away.

Even then though I’ve always tried to be private. I learned a long time ago that being vulnerable is not a good option. Sharing too much leads to trouble and people can use your tender parts against you. I could tell so many stories about having things thrown back in my face. One time I had a friend say to me “I could tell you were going through some stuff so I just wanted to let you figure it out and then we could go back to being friends.” So my experience says that authenticity comes at the expense of being vulnerable. And being real and authentic means that I can’t have any privacy or keep anything personal.

This week I’ve really been praying over that. I’ve felt God call me into talking more about our experience and family life publicly. I’ve felt God whispering to me that it’ll be ok and obedience and calling is not about what happens or what doesn’t happen. It’s about doing what God is asking me to do. That I am safe, and we are supported both at my husband’s job and in our local community. I’ve felt God nudging me to be more authentic and open up a little, and that’s when I realized that it’s not an all or nothing thing.

I can be authentic and private at the same time. I can talk about my experience in motherhood and how raising a child with mental and emotional challenges is really hard sometimes. I can share about coping skills and rhythms we’ve learned over the years. I can share what we’ve tried that hasn’t worked and what we’ve tried that gave hope and light. I can do these things without compromising parts of my heart that need to stay private and parts of my daughter’s story that aren’t mine to share. I don’t need to pick being authentic or being private.

It’s amazing to me how much this resonates with different groups of women. I say this because I’ve messaged with some of you that are in completely different situations than me. A woman caring for her elderly mother struggling with alzheimer. A young woman who lost a child. A woman going through a divorce.

Now before we go any further I want to clarify that obviously there is a reason so many of us are hesitant to be authentic and share. Even this podcast episode makes me so nervous! What if someone from my local community listens to it and says something stupid to my daughter. As I authentically share about my experiences there’s always a risk. For a long time I thought being authentic was the same as being vulnerable and to a degree I still think that. There could be consequences to sharing anything and sometimes those consequences are bigger than anticipated.

Now this is where we get down to the real stuff. For me this is where the conversation actually starts to get messy and where I argue with myself. For me the root of this discussion is fear. Am I scared of what’s going to happen so I hold back? Am I protecting myself and my family from very real and big consequences? Am I letting fear stifle my calling and my mission in life?

I want to read a quote from Jess Connolly who is the founder of the coaching network I’m a part of. This quote is in relation to coaching women through fear and she says “Talking about fear is deep and daunting, but freeing and incredibly liberating for most people. A coach creates a safe place for people to process fear so they can quit obeying it.” For our discussion right now, fear can give us insight into how to move forward.

I’d like to suggest that there are two types of fear. On one hand there’s the fear that keeps us safe. The fear of sharing too much keeps me from sharing too much and dishonoring my daughter and her story. On the other hand there’s the fear that keeps me from obeying God. The fear of what might happen keeps me from doing what God has asked me to do. I’ve been lazy in the past and rather than praying about and using the power of God to discern what type of fear I’m working with I’ve just avoided it all. I’ve chalked everything up to honoring my privacy and keeping myself guarded. But this isn’t a kingdom mindset. This isn’t the life that God has called me to.

To close I want to do two things. First I want to give you some scripture to replace fear with truth. I want you to be able to process your fear and discern if it’s fear that God has given to keep someone or something safe or if it’s fear from the enemy that’s holding you back. And second I want to give you some coaching prompts to take it even further.

First, let’s look at 2 Timothy 1:7 that says For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. This verse can act almost as a filter. Am I making choices with a timid and fearful spirit or a spirit of power and love? If I’m making a decision to hold back because I’m fearful of my daughter being exposed or harmed, that is not about being timid. That is power and love that God has given me as her mother to care for her and create a safe environment for her to grow up in. On the other hand I could be making choices to not share my experience in motherhood because I’m afraid of being judged or labeled as a bad mom. Again that is a timid and fearful spirit not power and self-control. I pray this verse can be helpful for you to process your fear and I challenge you to ask God to show you and ask God to give you the awareness and honesty to see what He shows you.

Another passage that has been really helpful for me is Psalm 46. The whole psalm is so good but specifically verses 1-3 and then verse 7. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, through the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling…The Lord Almighty is with us. The God of Jacob is our fortress. These verses are so encouraging to me as I step out in faith and obedience and fear what might happen. I quote these verses over and over and remind my heart that even if the worst happens. Even if my husband were to lose his job or my community were to turn their backs on us. Even if my daughter has significant challenges and her future is bleak. Even if the worst happens God is with me. God will hold me and carry me through and we will make it to the other side.

I have scars from past experiences that remind me that God is faithful. I love the line: the God of Jacob is our fortress because it reminds me that I am loved and cared for by a God that has been a fortress for generations of people. The bible is full of stories of the worst happening and God pulling people through. Generations of family and friends can speak to the valleys and storms God has carried them through.

Let’s close with some coaching prompts. I just have one for you today but before we get there I wanted to give you a discount code. Sometimes we can’t see what we can’t see and if you’d like to get some one on one coaching to talk about fear or anything mentioned in this podcast I want to encourage you to do that. I have a discount code for 30% off a coaching session that you can get on my website. Use code “bravegals” bravegals all one word all lowercase. Go to abigaildenton.com/shop/coaching and I’ll also put a link in the show notes. You are brave and I want you to feel brave if you chose to make a move and get some coaching.

I have one coaching prompt and it’s a big one. I want to close with this question and I’m handing you a big challenge to take this one, so here we go:

What would you miss if you act with a spirit of timidity and fear rather than a spirit of power, love and self-discipline? Let me say that again…

Let’s take it one step further, what would the people around you miss? Your family, your community, the people God has called you to serve and love? What do they miss?

My prayer for you and me as we close out this episode is that we can live in power and love and be fully authentic. My prayer is that we can lean into the Holy Spirit and discern what needs to stay private and what God is asking us to open up about. My prayer is that we can find the peace of God and live in obedience and abundance.