Abigail Denton

June is an anniversary for our family. In the beginning of June, two years ago, we plunged deep into a valley. We stepped out in faith and were viciously attacked for it. We lost friends, support, community, a lot. Not all, by any means. As loud and negative as some parts were, there were equally loud supportive and loving parts. But negative feedback does not take equal amounts of positive feedback to balance out, as some of you might well know. Today, I’d like to walk vaguely (for my emotional sake and for those involved) through what happened and some lessons I’ve taken forward with me.

In 2020, we were in the beginning stages of entering the conversation of racism. I’m embarrassed to admit, but up until the murder of George Floyd, I wasn’t active in being anti-racist. We talked about it sometimes, and we had recently explained factually what racism is to our kids. But in light of all the diversity in our family, and the racism we have witnessed first hand and second hand from them, we were far from where we should have been in the fight. As we started to enter that conversation, we quickly realized it made a lot of people we were close with very uncomfortable. We didn’t realize until it was too late, it was going to get ugly and fast.

I’m not going to go into detail, but I stepped out in faith and obedience to what God was asking me to do. And my friends didn’t agree. They attacked and betrayed me. The loyalty and love I thought had been growing for 4 years was gone in a second and I was labeled an enemy. I found myself drowning in a pool of hate, gossip, and lies. Isaac and I felt like we were drowning and couldn’t keep our heads above water. I started getting counseling from two different sources and once we were able to leave the situation we started to heal. I have found a lot of healing and freedom the two years, but it has been hard and emotional work.

Today as I sift through some of the emotions flooding back, I wanted to focus on what helped me get through and find healing. I wanted to take my focus off of the horrible things said and done to me and my husband and remind my heart of truth. God has been so good to me, during and after things blew up. I have some promises from God, new habits I learned, and resources that I pray will be helpful to you. Walking through suffering at the hands of other Christians is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

• Get Counseling. It wasn’t long into our season of suffering that I got to the bottom of what I could handle. I was having anxiety attacks, which took me a few weeks to realize that was what was happening. I reached out to a professional counselor and also a safe friend who also is a counselor. I met with the professional counselor and my friend weekly for several months. I cannot over-emphasize how helpful and important this was for me. I started working through so many issues and seeing progress in my heart and my body. I honestly can say that I wouldn’t be where I’m at today if I hadn’t made that choice to reach out and ask for help, finding a safe and biblical counselor. If for nothing else, they reminded me that I wasn’t overreaction and being crazy. What happened was wrong and sin and heavy. Hearing someone else affirm my pain made all the difference for me.

• Flood your mind with scripture. Isaiah 26:3 says “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” I realized quickly that I needed Jesus and the Word more than ever. I needed to soak my thoughts and my words and my actions in scripture. I needed to tell myself truth over and over and over. I posted verses on my kitchen window and in my bathroom. I read through Psalms and Philippians and other passages. I bought devotionals and books recommended to me for this specific season and saturated my mind and heart with truth. I created physical spaces full of truths from God’s word through what I could see (words posted) and what I could hear (the music or podcasts playing). Peace came little by little when I stayed my mind on Jesus. Everything I saw, read, listened to, and allowed into my home was pointing me to the love and safety of God. His word, promises, and security were everywhere.

• Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation and neither are the same thing as restoration. This is a whole issue all on it’s own, but I wanted to clarify because it came up a lot for us during this season. It’s clear in Scripture that forgiveness should always and unconditionally be given, even when you are sinned against. Jesus told Peter to forgive 70 times 7 in Matthew 18. Ephesians 4 tells us to forgive because God has forgiven us. Forgiveness is an offering to God and a blessing to ourselves when we forgive those that have sinned against us. It’s something I can control. Reconciliation, however is different. Reconciliation is when both parties repent and forgive and decide that they are going to work to restore the relationship. Romans 12 tells us to live at peace with each other. As far as it depends on you, that phrase means that sometimes you’ve done all you can and there still isn’t reconciliation. It takes both parties to move into reconciliation. Lastly, we have restoration. This is the phase when the relationship is stored to where it was, or better, before the sin. This will take time because trust has been broken, and relationships don’t flip a switch and go from broken and hurting to healed and complete overnight. It takes time, effort, and healing. Last summer, I forgave the people that sinned against me on day 1. And over and over since, I’ve chosen to forgive. However, we have not had reconciliation. We can’t have restoration until we start having reconciliation and that isn’t up to just me. It takes both parties. You can see that it’s inappropriate and wrong to use all these terms interchangeably. They are defined differently and they are also not all up to my control. Let’s be careful how we use these terms with ourselves and also with each other.

• Pay attention to the lies you’re listening to and replace them with truth. One of the exercises that I did with my counselor was identify lies I was believing and replacing them with God’s truth. I had a list of lies I was believing and could see the destruction they were causing in my life. One example is the lie that people’s definition of my worth matches God’s definition of my worth. I felt like I was getting rejected from people and therefore God was rejecting me too. That is so contrary to what the Bible teaches. Passages, verses, and whole books define God’s love as unconditional and freely offered to me by grace. God’s love is not something I can earn or be disqualified from, my position as a child of God is secure. It is not something conditional to people’s opinions. Another lie that I was telling myself is that I could somehow come up with the perfect comeback to hurt my accusers and make them pay for what they did without sinning myself. That lie has so many flaws in it! I replaced that lie with Romans 12. God will have vengeance and I don’t need to be involved. He’s more than capable of handling that! Both of these lies were such heavy burdens for me to carry and setting them down and replacing them with truth was a huge part of my healing process.

I just want to close with some hope. 2020 was one of the hardest years for me, as it was for a lot of people. This dark season of suffering and pain has allowed me to learn and grow in some beautiful spaces. I have stripped my faith down from all the self-righteousness that I was adding to it. I have relearned some foundational truths that are anchoring and grounding my relationship with God, truths that I was so familiar with I forgot them. Without that season my life would be so different than it is and I would be missing so much of the beautiful freedom I get to live in right now. I have seen so much blessing come out of that season. I was given the opportunity to redefine my faith and I am so grateful for that.

I hope these points have been encouraging to you. If you are going through a season of suffering or walking through a valley, please know that you are not alone. That you are loved and valued and you have worth.